The Aftermath of Abuse

Hi.I am a 33 yr old woman..with 3 pre teens. I have been married twice..divorced ..to a man who beat me..widowed..to a man who didnt beat me..but controlled me.I was physically and mentally molested and beaten as a child. I refuse to have another relationship..becouse i only attract the wrong kind of men..and i feel very guilty when having sexual fsrelations becouse i have to either lie and pretend ive had a orgasm..to make them happy..which only makes me feel worse about myself..becouse i dont like to lie..or i have to fantasize about having sex with someone other than my partner..and usually it is a violent bad scene..one that would never get me excited in real life..one that would sicken and revolt me.And that doesnt make me feel better either!Just something else to tear down my spirit. So why is that the only way i can have a orgasm..i dont understand and i hate it. I have shut myself off from men..and even my friends..and even my children. One is staying with a aunt..the other two are with thier dad for the summer. I miss them and love them very much..but i feel like such a failure as a person and a mother. I have no interests in doing anything..i quit my mgrs job 3 months ago..for another job..that fell through..now im jobless..and hate myself even more for not keeping the other job. Soon i must find another job. But all i do is sleep and mess around on this computer. I dont watch tv..dont read..dont go anywhere..cant get the motivation to clean my house..wash my laundry or mow my grass.I do feed my pets. I only do what i have to do. I dont like the way i look..have no interests in anything i use to..and cant seem to make myself snap out of it..i frequently have crying spells..over nothing..im not sure whats going on.Its been like this for months..but not getting better..i use to be able to find a way out of it...for awhile..now there is nothing..my spirit is totally closed ..mentaly..im already dead..what the hells the matter with me..and why am i so sexually disfuctional?? Please help me..Please give me some answers.

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