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Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

Why Do I like Being Abused?

I'm a 27 year old woman and I have a fiancee who is good to me most of the time but has been emotionally abusive in the past. He is a very jealous type. We have fights which are very difficult. Also, even when we're "happy," I have thoughts of cheating on him. For example, I recently pursued a sexual relationship with another man.

Any time my fiancee and I are "happy" I feel bored, like, it's not enough. I have this need to feel used for sex or have something illicit done in order for me to feel excitement. This other man I almost had sex with doesn't treat me very well but is eager to have sex and, that excites me in a depraved way. I find that exciting whereas a stable relationship by itself makes me feel bored and miserable.

I feel so bored with a stable relationship that I think, "Is this all that life is?" It's like I have to do something risky and possibly self harming to alleviate my unhappiness. I am also into rough sex to the point of feeling violated.

Please tell me what is wrong with me? I want to be a good person but I feel like there's a monster inside me especially since I am a Christian woman who is engaged to be married soon. Am I some kind of a pervert?

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